DO YOU REMEMBER VANILLA ICE? I do! He was my hero when I was in grade six. I wanted to be him. I knew every word to all his songs. I bought one of those massive bottles of Dep Gel at the corner store and styled my hair like his. He was the coolest of cool. He was Vanilla Ice.
I had no idea Vanilla Ice STILL existed. I thought he disappeared into that weird dimension of crazy 90s trends like hot loops and Saved by the Bell. But no, no, he’s back and he’s talking about adult dating stuff. He’s talking about….wait for it….sex with Madonna.
Hold up, hold up, Madonna and Vanilla Ice?! Together?! Even Madonna thought he was cool?! Jesus. My mind is going to explode with happy 90s memories happiness.
Here’s what Mr. Ice, Ice Baby had to say about the queen of pop:
“She was older than me and a great lover,” he starts,” But I broke up with her after she printed that book because I was hurt to be an unwitting part of this slutty package. It was disgusting and cheap. We were in a relationship yet it looked like she was screwing all these other people.”
HA HA HA. Slow laugh. As if, you, Mr Ice – real name Robert Van Winkle – as if YOU broke it off with Madonna. AS. IF. Do you think any of us are believing this? And really, THAT was your reason for dumping her? Because she published a revolutionary, sexy-as-hell coffee table book with a bunch of photos of her mauling other dudes?! You are such a loser, man. Also: News Flash: she probably was fucking a whole bunch of other men and women. I don’t think you and your square face and your yellow hair could keep that lady happy all by your lonesome.
Sigh. Another 90s hero loses his status in my mental books. Single tear.