Adult Dating History

Yes, I watch MTV‘s show Jersey Shore. It is the best worst show on television. It is like watching a car-wreck happen; I can’t look away. However, it hit me the other day, the young generation of today is watching Jersey Shore for all of the wrong reasons and are taking all the wrong lessons from the show. Let me explain.

1. Sex

Growing up I was always told I should wait until I fell in love and had a girlfriend before I had sex for the first time. Of course, when I was in high school those “rules” were changed slightly, but I still lost my virginity to a girl that I was dating, and we ended up staying together for a little over a year.

The kids (adults) on Jersey Shore treat sex like a hobby or past time. They have no emotional connections, and fuck just for the sake of fucking. It’s sad really because the youth of today are probably watching the show and thinking that these actions are the norm. THEY AREN’T. Don’t think because Snooki decides to “do sex” one night that you can go out and sleep with anyone you want. These JS kids are not normal and are on a television show.

2. The English Language

These dumb ass kids are clearly not educated. Using words like “smush” to describe sex and “twinning” to describe bringing home twins to “smush” makes me cringe. Whats even worse is hearing teens on the streets use these words in actual sentences. They’ve also created a bunch of new and ridiculous abbreviations such as but not limited to: GTL, DTF, FTD, GFA, IFF and MIA. Ugly women are “grenades” and daily routines are summed up into one abbreviation:GTL- gym, tan, laundry. Somewhere all of the great philosophers who ever lived are rolling in their graves.

3. Dating

The way dating is portrayed on the show is between Ronnie and Sammie. They beat each other up, get obliterated drunk and verbally abuse the shit out of each other and spend all night “making up” in bed and repeat the whole scenario again the next night. This is not normal behavior. This is abusive behavior, but young people are watching it and they are thinking it is normal, which leads to an increase in abusive relationships. Great, way to go MTV.

4. Enjoying an Alcoholic Beverage

Everyone on the show sleeps until 2 in the afternoon, and go clubbing all night until the wee hours of the morning. They drink as much as humanly possible (maybe even more) and glorify the fact that they are drunk/hungover/drunk and getting laid/ drunk and fighting/drunk and basically anything.

They live their lives on TV like a constant frat party. Of course, someone of my age an intelligence knows that these kids probably don’t live every day of their lives like that and MTV edits a lot of shit together to make for more on-air drama, but young kids don’t know that. They take everything at face value. So many kids go out and party like idiots because of this show. I’m not saying I was a saint back in the day, but I knew my limit and I wasn’t sick and hungover every single day.

Yes, I am confident enough in my sexuality to admit that I have a man crush on every single one of these actors. In fact, if I were a gay man I would probably want to have sex with them. Can you imagine how much tail these men probably get? Ladies and fabulous gentlemen, this blog post is for you. This is my personal list of the ten sexiest men on prime time television.

Ed Westwick – Gossip Girl

Alexander Skarsgard – True Blood

Aaron Paul – Breaking Bad

Jared Padalecki – Supernatural

Jason Segel – How I Met Your Mother

John Krasinski – The Office

Jon Hamm – Mad Men

Justin Kirk – Weeds

Mark-Paul Gosselar – Franklin & Bash

Matt Bomer – White Collar

They are all sexy in different ways. Some are physically attractive, some are hilarious and some are men that you know would would be a blast to have a couple brewskies with. Yes, I consider being able to have a fun time with a male friend sexy. It shows confidence; and remember that confidence is key when trying to appear more appealing to your preferred sex while dating, kiddies.

If the man you are dating were a cartoon character, what character would he be most similar to?

1. George of the Jungle – Extremely well built, willing to do anything for his woman but has a few screws loose. Maybe he fell from a few trees.

2. Woody Woodpecker – Life of the party, loud and outgoing but a little annoying at times. It’s as if he’s on a constant coke binge.

3. Donald Duck – He’s cynical, loves to roll his eyes and walk around with no pants on. He is a true man, and not ashamed to display his body.

4. Underdog- He is sweet and underestimated. He is constantly trying to woo you, and will put on a brave face to defend your honor any day.

5. Popeye – Sex with him is amazing; he has so much energy from the healthy food he is constantly eating. He is also in great shape and sticks by his one true love until the day he dies.

I know what you are thinking. “It is everyone’s dream to be dating a hot pair of twins!” Well, you’re right. There are many famous celebrity identical twins. If you had the chance to have sex with any of these pairs of twins, who would you choose? Also, does it bother anyone else that the realistic thought of identical twins engaging in a threesome is slightly incestuous and disturbing? The fantasy is alright, but the reality of the situation is definitely not the best idea, am I right?

Benji & Joel Madden = Pop Punk Princes

Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen = Trillionaire Child Stars

Nicholas Brendon & Kelly Donovan

Ann Landers & Abigail Van Buren = GILFS

Annie & Alicia Sorel = Literally Incestuous (Have you seen Cruel Intentions 2?)

Tegan & Sara = Lesbian Twins, What?!

Ronde & Tiki Barber = Two Hunks of Man Meat

Aaron & Shawn Ashmore = Canadian Cuties

Jon & Dan Heder = Two Napolean Dynamites, What?!

Tia & Tamara Mowry = Sister, SISTER!

So, would you date an identical twin? Would you be scared about confusing who is who? Would you be scared that the twins would play tricks on you? You probably think I am kidding with all of this tomfoolery, but speaking as a child who has a mother and aunt who are identical twins, I kid you NOT.

There is nothing wrong with deciding to never marry the man or woman you are dating. Marriage is just a legal piece of paper. Marriage is not the relationship between two people. The relationship between two people who are committed to each other is way deeper wand complicated than a certificate of marriage. Some people believe that marriage is unnecessary, and they would rather live a worry free dating life than a pressured legal married life. Others claim to be married even though they aren’t for political reasons (i.e. Charlize Theron claims she is married to Stuart Townsend, but won’t legally marry him until gay marriage is legalized in all 50 states).

Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt

Gene Simmons & Shannon Tweed

Oprah Winfrey & Stedman Graham

Tim Robbins & Susan Sarrandon

Kurt Russell & Goldie Hawn

Stuart Townsend & Charlize Theron

Liev Schreiber & Naomi Watts

Sam Shepard & Jessica Lange

Johnny Depp & Vanessa Paradis

So, could you do it? Does that legal marriage certificate really make a difference in your life, or would you be perfectly happy staying in a relationship with your partner without feeling the need to “get married”?

Most of the couples listed above have been together for years and years. Maybe they’ve discovered a loophole in the Hollywood Marriage Curse – don’t get married and you won’t break up. Seems farfetched, but it kind of makes sense. Marriage means deciding on prenups, etc. There is a lot of unnecessary pressure that comes along with marriage i.e. wedding planning.

Now, after writing this entire blog I find out that Angelina&Brad and Gene&Shannon are planning on getting married. There goes my theory.

It seems as if the cycle of becoming engaged is constantly changing. I know my parents got engaged and married in their early twenties, and my grandparents in their teens! Then for a while it was more common to wait until your 30s to make the commitment; which seems like a logical idea. When you’re in your 30s, your career is more stable, you are more financially stable for the most part, and you are more ready to have a family (if that is in the cards for you). Now kids are deciding to get married in their teens and twenties. The cycle fulfilled itself already. Is it because we live in a world where sporadic and spontaneous decisions are accepted without question? It is because we live in a society where divorce is not frowned upon, but looked at as an easy way out of a marriage? Is it because we live in a world where it is common to have 2+ marriages so young kids think it doesn’t matter if they mess up their first time around? All of these variables are my guesses as to why someone would want to rush into a quick marriage. Personally, I would never rush it.

Usually celebrities and famous Hollywood socialites are known for being the ones to rush into marriage. Marriages that last for hours, day, months if they’re lucky. But what ever happened to long term dating? Adult dating relationships can really determine whether you should be in a relationship or not. The “honeymoon stage” doesn’t last forever. Just ask Jennifer Lopez. She has had three failed marriages, now that her and Marc Anthony are filing for divorce, and she clearly has not learned her lesson. Another famous couple for rushing into things, Katy Perry and Russell Brand, are rumored to be headed toward splitsville. Not a shocker, but the question is, would it have lasted if they took the time to wait and get to know each other better? I guess if you live life “in the fast lane” and have the mindset that “you only live once” then rushing into anything isn’t a bad idea at all. To each their own.

Barney Stinson, a fictional character from the television series How I Met Your Mother plays by his own rules. He can be best described as a serial-womanizer who is always wearing a suit and like to hit on women with daddy issues. Stinson has created highly developed methods of winning the affection of women, getting into their pants, and ditching them after having sex with them a.s.a.p the next morning. This lifestyle is how he, not unlike a lot of men, likes to live his life.

Stinson takes pride in being single, following the rules of the “Bro Code” as strict as possible, and partying. Despite the fact that he is in his early thirties, he acts as if he has no desire to settle down, get married and have kids, ever.

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with not believing in marriage, or not wanting children. There are many middle-aged single people who are having the time of their lives, also there are many couples who aren’t married and never plan on getting married because they believe a piece of paper shouldn’t define a relationship. I respect that. However, after a certain point in your life, I believe the frat boy lifestyle should die down. If not, you will always be viewed as the sad old man who can’t cut the umbilical cord on his youth. If you’re in your fifties and your idea of a good night out is drinking, bar hopping, staying up until five in the morning and picking up chicks who could pass as your daughter, maybe you should re-think your lifestyle choices.

Are you a commitment-phobe? Do you secretly want to settle down and have a family but don’t want to give up your “cool” lifestyle and reputation? If any of this rings a bell, maybe you should reassess your lifestyle choices. If you genuinely are a middle aged man acting like a nineteen year old and having the time of your life, then who am I to tell you to stop?

Try dating someone. It really isn’t that bad. Worst case scenario, you can’t handle the situation, so you dump her.

Is your adult dating relationship eerily similar to that of the fictional relationship between Ross and Rachel from the television show Friends? Back when Friends was the most talked about series on television, Ross and Rachel were the most famous and talked about couple. They experienced the ups and downs that every normal relationship goes through (and then some). Looking back on the show now, even though a new episode hasn’t aired in over ten years, can you still relate to the couple? You’d be surprised at how many people can. Here are a few hints that you and your gal/guy may be the Ross and rachel of 2011.

You had a thing for your partner that dates back to high school.

As we all know, in Friends Ross’s character grew up always having a crush on Rachel. Rachel was Ross’s little sister’s best friend. He fell for her way back in the day, and it was one of those crushes where he would drop any thing at any moment to be with her, no matter what was going on in his life at the time. Is this like you?

You played the role of the friend for a very long time.

Rachel was obviously oblivious to Ross’s deep feelings. Ross had to pretend that he was “only a friend” around Rachel; no matter what. If Rachel brought boyfriends around, or needed a shoulder to cry on about her dating troubles, Ross was there to console her, even though he wished he was the man in her life. Does this sound familiar?

You like each other at all the wrong times.

When Ross started to get over his crush on Rachel by dating other bright, intelligent and gorgeous female characters on the show (including Julie, above). And guess what happened? The usual; Rachel started to develop her own little crush on Ross. Typical. You always want what you can’t have. The timing is always off. Does this sound like something that happened with you and your partner?

Your first kiss is unexpected and intense.

Ross realized that even though he was with Julie, he still truly loved Rachel and wanted to be with her. He respected Julie and didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but by being with Julie and not having his heart in the relationship, he had to let her go. Ross even made a list of pros and cons between Julie and Rachel. Rachel won. Sound familiar?

You still have an on and off relationship for about five years.

Ross and Rachel got together and broke up on Friends more times that I can count. Rachel started dating new guys and Ross got jealous. Ross married new girls (because, we all know how Ross likes his women – married to him) and Rachel got jealous. Rachel even tried to stop a wedding, but it didn’t matter when Ross accidentally said “Rachel” instead of “Emily” at the altar. Smooth move. Ever say the wrong name – in bed perhaps?

You end up having a child out of wedlock – and you’re both fine with that.

Okay, so maybe you and your partner haven’t had a child together; not that there is anything wrong with that (see what I did there? Bonus points for Friends fans). Maybe you and your partner bought a dog together, or made a major purchase together. Ross and Rachel ended up having a child together on the show – baby Emma- and although they never ended up getting married, it was kind of fitting for their relationship on the show to end how it did. They don’t get married, but they will be connected to each other for the rest of their lives. Phoebe was right, Ross was Rachel’s lobster.